God, I'm Tired of the Valley

This blog post does not go in time order of how I want to share my testimony, but maybe it's for someone to see today. 

I've been mad at God for a long time. I said I wasn't, I lied to myself that I wasn't, I fake praised Him for bringing me through, and I went through the motions of praising Him through a storm I didn't want to be in. Hello, preacher's daughter here.

When God shattered the mask that I had been wearing; the mask on my Facebook, the mask on my face, the mask on my heart, on my soul, I wanted to leave Him. I wanted to tell Him I was done with the valley He had been putting me in. I would almost climb out of the hole when another rolling boulder of this fallen world's destruction would push me back down again, stomping me further and further in the ground. To where the valley felt like a place I was trapped.

My mother kept telling me - "Katie, God allows these things to happen to us so we can help others when they go through it." My answer to her "wise" words I thought were the same each time, "I'm done with the valley. I don't want to have to go through the valley for someone else. I don't want to lose another pregnancy just to help someone else." While that answer was true, the part I didn't tell my God loving mother who continued to push me in the direction of a loving God was that "how could I trust this great God when He continues to hurt me? When he continues to send a punch in the gut every time I turned around? I'm tired of the valley, I'm tired of trusting God and feeling betrayed every time I do." 

This is the first time I've put down the emotions I felt during the dry season. It's tear provoking as it doesn't seem that a born again Christian would be able to want to walk away from God. Here's the thing though, a born again Christian fully understands God's power to the furthest extent. He SAVED us from going to Hell, we felt a change in our soul when the destination of it changed. Couldn't a God that powerful just protect me a trial? Couldn't he have given me a little Progesterone boost so I didn't have to miscarry? Couldn't He have given me a healthy placenta? He could've and He didn't and what kind of loving God would do that? WOWZA. That's a lot of contradicting statements. He saved me from Hell, but I am really doubting that He loves me. I'm really doubting that all things work from good. 

Don't fret. Don't think I've turned my back on God. I haven't. I hope to share how these dark and fearful thoughts led me back to a God that does love, has always loved, will always love, will never stop loving and a God that I can feel so strongly. He doesn't start to reveal His glory until we allow Him to do so.

In Sunday school over the past two years I've gritted my teeth while silently criticizing the ones who spoke truth, peace, and love over me as I didn't want to hear it and feel God trying to crack the shell I had over my heart. Not today though, today I listened and God began to reveal some things about that valley I've hated so much. 

The verse of study today isn't the one I'm going to share, but somehow, God led through the spirit and we ended up there. 

Galatians 6:2. " Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ. ³For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself. ⁴But let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another. ⁵For every man shall bear his own burden

God asked me so clearly - "How can you bear someone's burden if you don't know what they're going through? How could Sonya, Patti, April, and so many others have helped carry your burden if they didn't experience some of the pain you've experienced? How would you have made it through the valley without someone knowing exactly what to pray for you because THEY'VE BEEN THERE TOO." 

Because here's the thing. In the valley, it's life or death. DRAMA KATIE - you may think. No, not drama. In my valley, in this world, we have options. We have the option to walk away from it all. To walk away from faith, walk away from our family, walk away from safety, walk away from the life we've built. In the valley, there's a lot of caves you can walk into when you stop looking up and just maybe when you've stopped looking up it's the prayers of the ones who've been where you are that hold you still. It's those prayers that keep you from going down the wrong path. It's those prayers that fight the wiles of the Devil when you're in your most vulnerable state. It's those prayers that give your eyes the courage to look up. AND if you don't know, I'm a huge advocate for mental health, and while I dealt with my own different battles in the valley, the Devil can also present you with the option to end it all, to end the pain, to truly be done. So you see, it is life or death. How do I know? I've seen it. I've seen the strongest Christian woman with a testimony as solid as the firm foundation we talk about end it all. Life or death. 

When I was tired of the valley, someone was praying. Someone was praying a specific enough prayer to take some of the burden for me. Someone who had been in that same valley knew just what the surroundings were, they knew what the options were, and they knew what to pray for me to finally have the courage to look up. 

I posted a story on Facebook recently that included a photo of a carseat in my car and the caption simply read "coming out of spin in the dark I caught a glimpse of this carseat in my car. There was a time that seeing a carseat would have triggered a meltdown because I longed for my own baby so badly. I'm so thankful for this nasty, puff filled, milk soured carseat that holds my rainbow baby. God is faithful and I will never take the small, mundane moment for granted." It was a small praise, a small testimony of healing for me. Later that night I received a message from someone that was in that same valley I had been in not that long ago. Someone that was able to say "I need a little hope, I need someone to help carry this burden" and you know why they needed it? Because in the valley, it's sink or swim, or maybe it's life or death. 

Because of a photo of a carseat, God gave my valley purpose. It's not my strength that helped. It's my brokenness that allowed God to finally work in my soul to CARRY me out of it. I couldn't have walked out of the valley alone, but the prayers of those who carried my burden gave me the strength to face the pain I felt and welcome God's love and strength back into my hardened heart so he could carry me through the valley and back up the mountain.

Here I am, finally out of THAT valley. I'm not naive enough anymore to say there won't be more. Not naive enough to think I won't feel those feelings I felt again. However, I may be a little more wise, a little more seasoned, and I think that maybe when the next valley comes I will remember that it's life or death. It's time to fight. Time to look up. Time to remember that someone's been here before and someone's going to be here again. 

Lastly, the Lord revealed a couple of Bible verses we quote so often.

Psalm 55:22 "Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved"

Matthew 11:28 "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." 

Again, He spoke to me so clearly, "Do you know how I am able to take your burdens from you? Why you are able to cast your burdens on me? Why I am able to give you rest? Because I've been where you are. I've been in the flesh. I've been in a valley too.

I'm so thankful that God sent Jesus to experience this life, and most certainly a harder life with larger battles and valleys than we could ever try to imagine. Jesus said to me "I can carry it because I've carried it before. When I was carrying the cross, I carried this. I carried it for you so give it back to me." insert praise shout. 

Lastly, in the valley, it's important to remember that even Jesus asked to "let this cup pass from me" (Matt 26:39), but the difference in us and Jesus is He trusted God to the extent to say and truly trust "not as I will, but as thou wilt." I've not trusted His plan for a long time, because His plan has seemed to come with a lot of hardships. I've learned though that it's not this plan, it's this life. His plan is good, true, and pure. It's possibly taken me having my own child to understand just how much He loves us, because as much as I love my own little boy, Jesus loves me so much more.

If you're tired of the valley, just look up. Look for those around you that's been where you are. Maybe you being the valley is to give someone else's valley purpose. I don't know how this life works, I don't know how God's plan works, but I am learning to trust it little by little. 

I've felt led to share my testimony after years of suppressing it. Years of denying the pain I haven't wanted to go through hadn't wanted to admit I experienced. AND CERTAINLY NOT the thoughts I shared in the beginning of this freaking long book I've wrote. However, I've had the thought over and over that it's pretty likely someone else has had these same thoughts and they are afraid to admit it. Afraid to admit they've been angry at God, doubted God, wanted to walk away from God. I'm not condoning this. It's sin to do all of the above, but we serve a forgiving God that sees us where we are at. SO when I've felt like I needed to forgive God for the pain he's put me through, it's actually been ME who has had to ask for forgiveness. Apologizing for the anger, doubt, distrust, and terrible things I've thought about Him. In some amazing, God's the only one that could do it way - He did what He promised. He forgave, He has taken the burden, and He's given rest. 

Thanks for joining me on this crazy story of life. I'm Katie - unapologetically me because God made me this way. He probably didn't add all the spice and the excessive use of the word "freaking" that I really need to work on removing from my vocabulary, but I've spent most all of my life thinking of the ways I could change and conform to be someone I'm not. SO here's to all the comma splices, raw and hard emotions, and a blog post that's far from professional. I almost deleted the word freaking because my mom is DYING on the inside, but we all have our things to work on. Now, if you're using actual dirty words, you need to cut that out immediately, it's not a funny little habit. Do better.

In all seriousness, if you've ever battled with mental health, and especially thoughts of suicide, it's time to get help. I've not dealt with this part of mental illness, but I've seen it too many times and I AM HERE FOR YOU, I get it. If you see something say something. Mental health is not taboo, not something to be quiet about. For the official Suicide Hotline dial 988 or text HOME to 741741 to reach a trained Crisis Counselor through Crisis Text Line, a global not-for-profit organization. Free, 24/7, confidential.